The Strange

Life feels very weird right now.

I'm not sure why. I don't feel upset, but I'm not exactly happy either. I feel like I'm perched atop a parabolic vertex of life happiness.

This seems like such a weird place to be at. Where am I going to go? My senses tell me that SOMETHING is going to happen soon.

Things are way too neutral in my life right now, and I know that life doesn't work this way. Will something really bad happen that will ruin this for me? Or will something great happen and gift me with a level of happiness I haven't felt for almost a year now?

I feel out of control. Not running rampant, but pinned in a tight corner between the walls of uncertainty and fear. What has me cornered? What part of my life is intimidating me to the point where I have backed away and surrendered control?

I don't know what it is. I need to empower myself. I need to leave this parabolic vertex, or this metaphorical corner of intimidation.

I know what I want in life, and I need to go for it. This awkwardness should not be allowed to corner me.

Friendship:Tolerance

I used to be someone who would quietly disassociate myself with anyone I had some kind of problem with. Things have changed, and my tolerance has shifted to a slightly different part of the spectrum.

I'm still an incredibly peaceful and caring friend, but I have less tolerance for disrespect. I can only put up with so much, and unless I care greatly about your impression of me, I will gladly tell you to 'fuck off' if you attack me on a personal level.

I don't need any of your bullshit, just as you honestly don't need any of mine. A true friend will only corner you for the sake of intervention. A true friend will not attack you, outright insult you, or do things that will further escalate an already heated situation of which they are responsible for to begin with.

I understand the 'friendship:tolerance' ratio more than ever. Treat me with respect, and ABSOLUTELY expect it back. I won't let you down.

I am someone who prides myself on being a great friend. Unless we have developed some serious issues, I am willing to put up with most of your bullshit. I will put a great amount of effort into trying to understand your issues, and even more so in how you are affected by them.

I am a proud human being. I don't need to tolerate you, but I will do so if the good side of you is stronger than the bad. If you treat your friends like shit, don't be surprised when they figure out that they are much better off without you.

Watch Your Back

In my opinion, one of the most important things to remember in life is that everybody has their own unique agenda.

It's easy enough to forget that every human being has their own sense of perception crafting what they view as reality. The true reality is that there are billions of people with their own lives, their own ideas, and importantly, their own goals.

In life you will be deceived, you will be verbally shat on, and someone at some point will craft all the justification they need for the sake of treating you like shit. In many cases they will do this entirely guilt-free, and instead actually feel quite proud for doing it.

We live in an incredibly dynamic world. Ideas are shared almost instantly from anywhere in the world. With these ideas being open, people divide quickly into various cultural groups of which they feel they most belong. In my opinion, the reality is that for every single one of us, we are alone.

Be careful who you associate with, but remember that anyone can hurt you. People are selfish, but they have every reason to be. It's not cruel. It's simply a survival instinct at work.

Don't be afraid to let your guard down, but always keep in mind that everyone is ultimately out for themselves.

A Note About Happiness

So, I think I am actually going to get back into updating this blog. I've had kind of a "roller-coaster" year so far, so why not? Being stressed, or constantly "riding an emotional tide" is always the best time to update a blog.

So, let's see here:

The biggest thing on my mind is the fact that my girlfriend left me. We were only together for about four and a half months, but the relationship meant a lot to me. I haven't stopped feeling like shit about the fact that things ended. Not so much the way it ended, but simply because of the fact that something great was put to rest. Part of my mind understands the situation completely, but another part of my mind refuses to believe any of it.

I have started to abandon my thoughts on this matter. As much as it meant to me, it's ultimately not worth stressing over. I have other stuff going on. I have a new car, I still have some awesome friends, I love my job, and my apartment kicks a lot of ass. It really sucks that things played out the way they did, but if the feelings aren't mutual... realistically, it's not worth chasing after it. I've been distressed enough as it is, so now I am focused on being happy again. Life goes on... if she comes back, I will be incredibly happy, but if not... there's nothing I could have done about it anyway.

Here's what I have been happy about:


A)

This week I managed to hit the one-year mark for my current job. I am proud of myself because I have received plenty of great feedback throughout this time. It's so awesome to be working for such a large corporation and knowing that I am one out of only five people that control the IT scene within this company. We manage everything computer-related. I am the ONLY PC Technician within the entire corporation. I work directly under our Network Administrator. It's a pretty awesome job. I have had a couple of days that have been stressful, but overall it's a pretty relaxing job. I get paid well, work with awesome people, and I feel important in this company.

B)

My apartment. This place is three times the size of my former apartment. It also only costs me about $100 more a month. I have my own dedicated internet connection through Comcast with a 20 mb/s line, a large living room, and a cozy bedroom. I recently bought a 10" memory-foam mattress, and the thing works miracles on my back. I have an epic surround system in my living room, and after playing games on my TV with that surround sound... there's almost NO going back to crappy sound. This place is AWESOME, and it's my new home.

C)

New car! I got rid of my Santa Fe... it managed to hit almost 340,000 miles on it. ...that's 90,000 miles further than the Earth from the moon. I now have a 2010 Impreza... it's badass! I love it. So much better with the gas mileage too. My Santa Fe was so worn down that I was starting to spend about $100/week on gas. The Impreza is just shy of $50, and gas prices have gone up significantly since I owned my Santa Fe.

D)

Family. My family is awesome. My parents kick ass, my brothers kick ass, my closest friends... they kick serious ass. My nephew is incredibly smart and turning into quite the character. At four years old, that kid comes up with some pretty clever stuff. He also has the best imagination I have ever seen. He somehow gets me to visualize the superhero scenes that he is acting out. Gotta love it.

Summary:

My girlfriend is gone. ...so what. Yes, I still have incredibly strong feelings for her, and I greatly miss what we had, but I still have plenty of stuff going on for me. I refuse to be unhappy. I'm focused on getting shit done. Since the breakup, I've rearranged my apartment. I didn't originally have a separate living-room and bedroom because I was lacking the furniture for it. I keep shit organized now. I won't let anything bring me down... I sound like I am bragging, but not with this relationship ending. With this relationship ending, I need to focus on what I have going for me. I need to reflect on my life because it allows me to see that things aren't bad... they are just less-great... and I am okay with that now.

Please let me have my pride, and don't judge me for it.